Chapter Three

Liz opened her eyes and realized only a second had elapsed. She hadn’t thought about her childhood in years. It was usually too painful for her to recall the events of youth. Liz looked around, and realized she had missed the doctor’s name. It didn’t matter to Liz. She didn’t think the doctor would give her the news she wanted to hear – that Timmy was fine, it was all a cruel joke and that Timmy would be able to come home now. Liz glanced down at Timmy and saw all the connections, and knew that it wasn’t going to be good news. She tried to pay attention to what the doctor was saying, but she couldn’t concentrate on what was being said to her. She did catch a few words from the doctor, things such as, “…not good…” “…coma…” “…wait and see…” and Liz decided she would just hold Timmy’s hand and have Jack explain it all to her later.

The doctors and attendants all left, and Liz and Jack were left alone at Timmy’s side. Liz was standing, holding Timmy’s hand, with tears streaming down her face. She didn’t even realize she was crying. The tears were just turned out, like a water faucet, just running at a steady stream. Liz looked up at Jack, and saw the pain etched all over his face. She reached out to grab his hand, and he grabbed on to Liz, and held on tightly. When Liz looked again, she could see Jack was blinking back tears. They had their arms wrapped around each other, and were holding on tight.

Jack finally pulled away and said, “Liz, I need to make calls and let our family know what’s going on. I’ll call my parents first and get them to come on out. Once I talk to them, do you want to call your Mom, or do you want me to do it?” Liz was silent for a few moments. Then she looked up at Jack and said, “You call, please. I just can’t right now.” “Sure, baby. I’ll call. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Will you be OK here?” “Yes, I’ll be fine.”

Jack gave Liz a quick kiss, and then walked out to the waiting area to make his calls. Liz looked around and found some chairs, and pulled one over close to Timmy’s bed. Liz just kept looking at Timmy, wondering what she could do, right now, to fix this. “What can I do, Timmy? What can I do?” Liz started whispering, over and over again. Without realizing it, Liz was rocking slowly, gently, back and forth in her chair, holding Timmy’s hand, whispering. After what felts like hours to Liz, she reached up to wipes the tears, but as soon as she did, there were more to stain her cheeks. She shrugged, and then giggled. It was pointless to try to dry the tears. She didn’t think they would ever stop flowing.

Liz felt a hand gently touch her shoulder. When she looked up, she saw a nurse standing there, holding a tissue in one hand, and the box in another. “Here, dear. Perhaps this can help.” Said the kindly nurse. “Oh, thanks.” Liz responded. At this, the nurse started looking at the machines that surrounded Timmy and started taking notes. “Dear, visiting time just ended. I can let you stay a little bit longer; however, it’s shift change, and when we get to this area, we’ll need you to step out into the waiting area. We are usually closed for an hour and a half at shift-change, but you’d only need to be out for about a half-hour.” “Oh, ok. Thanks for letting me stay. My husband is outside making calls, will he be able to get back in?” “Probably not until after shift change, but I’ll see what I can do, ok?” At this, the nurse gave Liz a little wink, and then walked away.

A few minutes later, Jack came walking back in. “Liz” whispered Jack. “Liz, the nurse told me I could come back in for a couple minutes, and then we’d have to leave, ok?” “Ok. Here,” said Liz as she stepped aside, “you can stand here and hold his hand.” Jack smiled, and then held Timmy’s hand. Liz studied Jack, and wondered what he was thinking. After a few minutes of not talking, just listening to the sounds of the room surrounding them, Jack looked at Liz and said it was time to go. Jack and Liz walked out, hand in hand. Liz started sobbing even harder than before. “I can’t do it, Jack. I just can’t walk out of here and leave my son lying there.” “Liz, it’s OK. He’s in good hands, we need to go, we can come back.” Jack guided Liz away.

When they got to the waiting room, it was deserted, thankfully. Jack got some water from the vending machine for Liz, and then sat down directly across from her. “Liz” Jack began, “I spoke to my Mom. She is packing now, and will be here in a few hours. She’s going to stay as long as we need her to stay. My Dad can’t come right now, he has a work commitment, but said he’d be here as quick as he can get here, and he’ll stay as long as he’s able. I spoke with your Mom, and she is on her way, and is coming directly to the hospital. She wants to see Timmy, and then she’s going home and will stay there with Tyler so Mom can come up here. We have a bit of time until we can go back in, are you hungry? You haven’t had a chance to shower, would you like to go home so you can get cleaned up and then come back?” “No, I’m not hungry, and I don’t want to leave yet. I just don’t feel I can. Thanks for making all the phone calls.” “No problem.”

Jack and Liz sat in silence in the waiting room. Slowly, more people began to file into the small waiting room. Liz felt as if she had been waiting for hours, but in reality she had been sitting for about twenty minutes. She impatiently picked up a magazine, flipped through it and dropped it back on the table, then picked up another. She couldn’t distract herself. She wanted to know what the doctor said to Jack, but didn’t want to admit to him that she didn’t pay attention. Finally, Liz couldn’t stand any longer not knowing what the doctor said, so she turned and asked, “Jack, tell me what the doctor said. I just wasn’t able to concentrate on what he was telling us.”

“Sure. He said that the head injury is not good, but he isn’t sure if it will be fatal. They have put him in a medically-induced coma, to give him time to recover, and we just need to wait and see what happens. They don’t know if he’ll be able to recover, it will depend on how he does in the next 24 to 48 hours. They also did a series of MRIs while we were waiting downstairs, and they’re waiting to get those results back to know more.”

Chapter Two

When Liz opened her eyes, she saw four year-old Liz was playing dress-up with her dolls on the floor in her room, trying to drown out the noise she heard coming from the front room. Liz’s Mom had the strange sounds in her voice again that made Liz really scared. It was the sound that she was crying, but trying really hard not to. Everyone knew if that if he saw you crying, he got even more mad. She didn’t even understand what the words where that he was yelling. It didn’t matter – it never mattered, really. He was always angry. Liz didn’t know why her daddy was always so angry. She didn’t understand how he could be so nice sometimes, then why he would get mean. Liz did know a lot of things, though. She knew what mattered right now: she needed to stay in her room, stay quiet and don’t let him see you. She knew that if she made a sound, even a cough, he might come in to her room. Liz knew if he came into her room, he would see her. If he saw her, he would scream at her and he might hit her. He always said he was going to hit her, but he didn’t always do it. Sometimes Mom would stop him, but sometimes he would just say it to scare Liz. Still, Liz knew she needed to stay in her room and be quiet.

Liz had been in her room since dinner, and she really needed to go to the bathroom, but she still heard daddy awake and yelling, so knew if she opened her door, she might get yelled at, yet if she didn’t, she was going to have an accident. Liz looked around her room to make sure it was clean. If daddy came into the room and it wasn‘t spotless, even if Liz just went to the bathroom and was coming right back, she would be yelled at. Liz sighed and picked up her doll and all the clothes. She quickly shoved them under her bed, and looked back. Unless he got down on his knees to look under her bed, her room looked clean. Liz walked to her door and listened. Things got quiet in the other room. Liz tried to be really quiet and turned the doorknob slowly, and then very slowly and gently pushed her door open, and then she paused. She didn’t hear anything, so she quickly ran down the hall to the bathroom. She heard his voice, but he wasn’t talking to her, so she finished up and was heading back to her room and he came stumbling down the hall, and spotted Liz. “Liz, what are you doing awake?” asked daddy. “Uh, I was playing with my dolls.” “Isn’t it past your bedtime, Liz?” “I don’t think so, Mom hasn’t come in to tell me yet to go to bed.” “You lying little brat! I know your Mother was in there just a few minutes ago, I sent her in to tell you to go to sleep. Get your ass back into your room, NOW! Get into your fucking pajamas and get your ass in bed and go the fuck to sleep, you lying little brat!” screamed daddy. Liz ran back into her room as fast as she could, praying that he didn’t follow her and shut the door gently. She wanted to slam it, but that would be an invitation for him to come in and hit her. Liz was fighting back tears, but she knew if he followed her and saw her crying, he would yell at her even more. Liz started to get undressed, then saw her doll lying on the floor. Liz picked it up so she could put it away, but just as she stood back up, daddy opened the door. He saw Liz standing there with her doll in her hand and Liz saw that look come into his eyes. Liz knew she was going to get hit. “Daddy, I was just cleaning up my doll! I wanted to put it away before I went to bed. Honest daddy, I was cleaning it up, see?” Liz ran to the drawer where she kept her dolls and put it away as quickly as she could, and started to get undressed for bed. Mom walked into the room to see what was going on. “Liz, sweetie, go ahead and get into your pajamas. Jim, honey, I’ll get Liz into bed, and then I’ll meet you in our room, ok? I won’t be long, I know Liz will be good now.” said Mom, as she put her hands on daddy to try to guide him out of the room. Dad jerked his arm out of Mom’s hands while glaring at her. He signed a deep breath and then started yelling, “This girl is a lying little bitch. She told me she was cleaning up, but when I came in here, she was fucking playing with that damn doll. Liz, get me that damn doll, NOW! Hurry your ass up, Liz.” Liz couldn’t hold back any longer, the tears came streaming down her cheeks as she went to get her doll. Liz wasn’t sure why daddy wanted the doll, it didn’t make any sense to Liz why he would want her doll, but she ran across the room, grabbed the doll and rushed to hand it to dad. When he got the doll, he looked from the doll to Liz several times then he screamed, “This is the last damn time you play with this fucking doll. Maybe you’ll learn when I tell you to do something, you fucking damn well better do it, Liz.” Then, he ripped the dolls head, arms and legs off the doll, threw the pieces at the wall as hard as he could and then, with a smile of satisfaction said, “There. No more doll to get you in trouble, Liz. Now, get undressed and go to bed.” Then, dad turned around and stumbled out of Liz’s room, and shut the door with a bang, leaving Liz and her Mom in the room.

Liz looked up at her mom, and tried hard not to cry, but she couldn’t help it, tears came streaming down Liz’s cheeks. Mom said, “Ok, Liz. Let’s get ready for bed. I’ll see if I can fix the doll while you get dressed for bed, ok?” Mom picked up the dolls head, body, arms and legs and started trying to piece back together Liz’s doll while Liz started getting undressed. Mom was trying to put the dolls head back on, when the door flew open again. There was daddy standing there, with his belt in his hands. “Liz, since you can’t follow fucking directions, you need a spanking. Get your shorts and underwear off, NOW!” “Jim, honey, why don’t you let me take care of this?” “Shut up! Liz needs to learn that when I tell her to do something, she’s going to do it. Liz, get those shorts off now!”

Liz knew there was nothing to be done, so she scrambled out of her shorts and underwear, and looked up at Mom. Mom shook her head with tears in her eye and walked out of the room, then turned around and stood at the doorway. “Come here, Liz. I want you to bend over the end of your bed. Good girl, Liz.” Then, daddy started whacking Liz on her bare butt. The brown leather belt was wide and thick, and each whack hurt. Liz couldn’t help crying out, and each time she did, daddy would yell, “Quit your damn screaming, Liz, or I’ll really give you something to scream about!” Liz felt like her butt was bleeding. Finally, after about eight or nine whacks, he stopped. Just stopped, and walked out. He didn’t say a word to Liz. She wasn’t sure if it was ok to get up, or not. If he didn’t tell her to get up, and she got up, she’d get hit more. She laid there crying, waiting; waiting to be hit some more or waiting to be told to get up.

Liz finally closed her eyes and she was in a magical place, a place only she could get to. Liz found herself in a place where daddy didn’t exist to hurt her; a place where the mother always loved and protected the girls. Liz was in her imaginary world, and it felt so real to her. She found that if she moved her arms like a bird, she could float in the air. That feeling of flying gave Liz such a tremendous feeling of calmness; flying became Liz’s favorite thing to do in her make-believe world. When she was flying, no one and nothing could grab her, hurt her or yell at her. Liz was on her own, she was safe.

Chapter One

It was a warm, sunny day. The wind was blowing just enough to cool your skin, yet it was so hot you started sweating the instant you stepped outside. Liz was busily strapping her sons into the stroller for their daily walk through the neighborhood, so she was startled when she heard the motorcycle speed by. “Motorcycle!” said Timmy. “Yes, that is a motorcycle, Timmy” said Liz, and she finished strapping him in. “Red motorcycle!” Said Tyler. “Yes, Tyler, that is a red motorcycle!” answered Liz. Right behind the motorcycle, a white SUV went speeding down the road. “Damn drivers! Always speeding on the residential roads; someday a child is going to get killed!” Muttered Liz as she clicked the garage door shut and dropped the clicker into the bag on the back of Tyler’s seat. Liz closed her eyes for a moment.

When Liz opened her eyes in her dream world, she started pushing the stroller down the driveway. Liz felt a bit uneasy, like something was wrong. She paused, but didn’t see anything wrong or out of place, shrugged and started on her walk. Just then, Timmy saw a yellow butterfly flit by, and called out, “Momma, butterfly! Butterfly! Butterfly! Butterfly!” “Oh, that is a beautiful butterfly, Timmy, a beautiful, yellow butterfly!” answered Liz with a smile on her face. During the walk, Timmy and Tyler kept excitedly pointing at the scenery and labeling everything. “Tree! Red car! Flowers! Dog!” On, and on went the list, both boys excitedly pointing out things to their Mom. Liz answered each boy with excitement and enthusiasm. The walk Liz took every day with the boys was her favorite part of the day. Liz always knew what would excite the boys, and took the routes she knew they would enjoy. When they passed things they had never seen before, they would point and ask Liz, “What’s that, Momma?” And Liz would happily label the new item for the boys.

When they reached the neighborhood park, Liz stopped and let the boys out to play for a bit. Tyler and Timmy’s favorite toy at the park was the merry-go-round. Every time they went to the park, they would ask Liz to push them; Liz would say no; they would beg and Liz would give in. It was a well-rehearsed ritual by now. Liz ran around and around until she, Timmy and Tyler were all so dizzy none of them could walk straight. They would all laugh uproariously, and then, they would sit on a bench, drink a juice box together, and then Timmy and Tyler would run off to play in the sandbox for a bit until it was time to get back in the stroller to head home. Liz kept thinking to herself how blessed she was to have two beautiful boys.

Liz called Timmy and Tyler to come back so they could head home. As Liz was strapping the boys back into their stroller, Liz again got the uneasy feeling. She paused and looked around the park to make sure she hadn’t left a mess anywhere, and she noticed a yellow butterfly floating around the park. She pointed and the butterfly and said, “Timmy, Tyler, do you see the yellow butterfly? See, it’s flying around over there near the red flowers.” “Yellow butterfly, Momma!” said Timmy, “Beautiful, yellow butterfly!”

On the walk home, Liz kept thinking about what could have caused that uneasy feeling. Timmy and Tyler were fine, they hadn’t been sick in a while; neither had she or Jack, so that wasn’t it. The dogs were well, she thought. Liz thought about her parents next. Her mother was fine; she had spoken to her earlier that morning. Liz hadn’t spoken to her father in years, and honestly, she didn’t care to speak to him. No, thought Liz, everyone is fine; it must just be my mind playing tricks on me.

When they got home, Liz undid the straps on the stroller and got the boys out, and was mentally writing her to-do list for the day. Liz had a mountain of laundry to tackle, meals to plan for the week, groceries to buy, dry cleaning to pick up for Jack, vet appointments for their chocolate labs Buster and Keaton to make, dinner to cook and she needed to bathe Timmy and Tyler. Liz was so happy that her three-year-old sons were so easy-going and good natured. They played together nicely, rarely fought, and they were so good about going on errands with Liz.

As Liz was folding the stroller and preparing to store it away until tomorrow’s walk, Timmy and Tyler picked up the bucket of sidewalk chalk and started scribbling on the driveway. Liz turned her back to the boys for a moment to put the stroller away. When she turned around, she saw Tyler scribbling away, but didn’t see Timmy. “Timmy!” Liz called as she walked around the bright blue minivan, and then she saw Timmy, scribbling with chalk in the middle of the road. Timmy looked up at Liz and called “Momma!” At the same instant, Liz heard the car come roaring up the street. Liz screamed, “Timmy! Come here, now!” Timmy stood up and started to run towards Liz, but he wasn’t fast enough. The speeding car struck Timmy and he flew through the air, and landed on his back.

Liz was frantic, and went running towards Timmy, and when she got to him, she saw that his head was cracked open like an egg. Liz’s stomach dropped. His eyes were closed, and he wasn’t moving. Liz saw Tyler come running up to see what happened. Tyler was screaming, “Timmy! Timmy, you OK Timmy?” and Liz grabbed him, and turned away so he couldn’t see his twin. Tyler was squirming around in Liz’s arms attempting to see his brother. Tyler knew something bad happened to Timmy, and he was scared. Tyler saw the tears on his Mom’s cheeks, and Tyler was scared. Liz was cuddling Tyler, and cooing to him, “It’s OK, sweetie. Timmy will be fine, don’t worry, sweetheart. Timmy will be fine.” It was a mantra. Timmy HAD to be fine. Liz just couldn’t conceive of Timmy not being ok.

Gary, the driver of the car, got out of his car and was shaking all over. He walked towards Liz, Timmy and Tyler and saw Timmy’s broken body lying on the street, and he backed up against his car. “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Gary kept repeating to himself. “I’ll call for an ambulance” Gary said to Liz. “I am so sorry. Oh my god! I am so sorry!” Gary said, with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Gary grabbed his phone and dialed 911 and reported the accident. The operator told Gary that an ambulance was on its way. Gary just didn’t have the heart to face Liz after he hit and nearly killed her son. He watched Liz cuddle Tyler, while she had tears rolling down her cheeks. He listened to her telling her son that Timmy had to be fine. Gary wasn’t so sure Timmy would be fine.

Liz realized she hadn’t called Jack yet, so she grabbed her cell phone and called Jack at the office. He picked up on the second ring. “This is Jack” he said in his husky voice. “Jack,” Liz said, “I need you to come home. Timmy got hit by a car just a moment ago, and is in bad shape. An ambulance is on its way right now.” “What the hell happened, Liz?” Jack demanded. “I don’t know.” Liz responded. “We got back from our walk. The boys grabbed the chalk and were doodling on the driveway. I was putting the stroller away, and then looked and only saw Tyler on the driveway. As I walked around looking for Timmy, I saw him on the street drawing there. I called for him, and when he started coming to me, a car came speeding up the street. The driver never saw Timmy and hit him square on. Timmy’s head is bleeding really bad, and his not awake or moving.” Liz responded. “Damn! Don’t touch him, ok? Don’t let anyone touch him until the EMS gets there. I’m on my way home right now. I’ll see you in a few minutes, sweetheart. He’ll be ok; I just know he’ll be ok.” And with that, Jack was on his way home.

Gary just couldn’t bring himself to look at Liz or Tyler. Every time Gary heard Tyler ask what was wrong with Timmy, Gary felt his heart break into a million pieces. He drove this road every day on his way to work, and back home from work. He lived on the next block, and Gary had a baby, Cara, of his own. Gary kept running through what he had done, and imagining how he would feel if his Cara had been hit by a car. Gary felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.

Tyler kept asking Liz, “Mommy, what is wrong with Timmy? Why is he lying in the road? Make him play with me!” Liz didn’t even try to explain to Tyler what happened.

Just then, they heard the sirens screaming. Tyler’s ears perked up, and he asked, “Mommy, where is the fire?” Liz said, “Sweetie, there is no fire. The ambulance is coming to look at Timmy.” “Why, Mommy? Is Timmy sick?” “No, Tyler. Timmy is hurt very badly. He went into the street when Mommy wasn’t looking, and a car hit him.”

Liz’s neighbor, Sarah White, came out of her house to see what all the noise was. She took in really quick what had happened, and ran to Liz. When she reached Liz, Sarah threw her arms around Sarah and Tyler, and gave them a quick hug. Sarah said, “Liz, how about if I take Tyler back to my house for a little while? I was just about to bake some cookies, and could use a helper. Tyler, would you help me make cookies, and be my special taster?” Liz gave Sarah a look of appreciation, and said to Tyler, “Tyler, sweetheart, go ahead with Mrs. White, and help her bake cookies. You can bake one for Timmy, and bring it to him after while, ok honey?” Tyler tried again to look at Timmy, but Liz and Sarah blocked his view, and Tyler said, “I like cookies.” So, off he went with Sarah.

The ambulance was the first to arrive, and they got to immediate work on Timmy. They got him cleaned up, and they got him loaded into the ambulance. While one paramedic was working on Timmy, the other went to check on Liz. He was asking her where he husband was, just as Jack turned the corner. He stopped his car on the side of the road and came running up to Liz and gave her a big hug. Jack had tears in his eyes too. They walked together to Timmy, and when Jack saw his son lying there, with blood matted in his blonde hair, he started sobbing. It was more than Liz could bear, and she finally started crying too. They stood in the middle of the road, sobbing and holding onto each other and couldn’t let go. The police officer approach Liz and Jack and asked them to step onto the sidewalk so he could begin obtaining their basic information. Just then, the paramedic approached and asked them which parent was going to ride with them to the hospital. Liz and Jack looked at each other, and Liz said, “I’ll go.” Jack said, “Yes, you go, I’ll be right behind you.” Liz got in the ambulance and let to go to the hospital with Timmy. Jack was told that the driver of the car was ticketed and his car was being impounded. Charges would be filed. The officer took Liz’s statement about what happened, and then let them go on to the hospital.

Jack went in the house and let the dogs out to go potty, then went across the street to talk to their neighbor, Sarah. “DADDY!” Screamed Tyler when he saw Jack enter the room. Jack bent down to scoop up Tyler in his arms, swinging him in a big circle and finally pulling him in for a big hug. “I’m baking cookies, Daddy!” “Mmm, smells good, son. Listen, I need to talk to Mrs. White for a minute, ok?” “Ok, Daddy.” And Tyler ran off to look at the cookies through the glass oven door. “Sarah, Timmy is in bad shape. Liz is riding in the ambulance, and I need to get on over to the hospital. Would you be able to keep Tyler for a few hours? I can call my family and have them come in to stay and help out, but it’ll take them several hours to get here.” “Sure, Jack, no problem at all. Just tell them to come on over when they get here. I have a key, so I’ll pass that on so they can get it. I’ll take care of Tyler as long as needed, don’t worry about it. I’ll even pop over later and take care of the dogs, now go!” said Sarah White.

Jack drove to the hospital in silence. Jack reached out for Liz’s hand for comfort, and realized she wasn’t with him.

Liz really was hurting so bad. She loved her children more than anything. Liz never felt worthwhile until she became a mother. Once she became a mom, she felt her whole purpose in life was fulfilled. If she lost one of her boys, she wasn’t sure if she could ever forgive herself. Liz was trying to stay focused on what was happening around her, but the pull of her own little world was so alluring. She kept imagining her going into Timmy’s hospital room, putting her hands on his broken body and being able to utter a few “magical” words and then everything would be just fine and dandy. While Liz knew this was not the case, the thoughts of that magic working made the reality of the situation easier to bear.

The ambulance arrived at the emergency room, and they whisked Timmy into an exam room. The ER doctor immediately ordered tests, and Liz was told to wait in the waiting room. It was only a moment before Jack walked into the waiting room. Liz told him that they already had Timmy undergoing tests. A nurse told them she would have Timmy’s doctor out to see them as soon as he could. Liz and Jack couldn’t sit still, either one of them. After an hour passed, with no word from anyone on Timmy’s status, Jack approached the nurse again to find out how Timmy was doing. When the nurse got back to Jack, she informed him that Timmy was admitted to the PICU ward of the hospital, and was being transported there. She told Jack how to get to that nurses desk, and sent them on their way.

The nurses at the PICU desk led Jack and Liz straight to Timmy’s room. There was a whole team in the room just finishing getting Timmy set up. Timmy already had so many lines connected to his small body, Liz couldn’t imagine anything else being attached to him. The nurse said the doctor would be in to talk to Jack and Liz in just a few moments, and the rest of the staff exited the room, allowing Jack and Liz to have a few moments alone with Timmy. Jack brought a chair to the head of the bed and had Liz sit down in it. Jack was searching for another chair just as Timmy’s doctor walked in.

As the doctor extended his hand in introduction to Jack, he looked directly at Liz, and then Liz knew, without a doubt in her mind that the doctor had only bad news to share. Liz knew she did not want to hear what the doctor said; she didn’t want to hear how her beautiful Timmy was going to be snatched away from her. So, Liz folder her arms over her chest, took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and went to her own world so she didn’t have to hear that news and hurt. Liz flapped her arms as if she were a bird, and flew like a butterfly.